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| Hello,
I have moved.
I will keep this blog here. It contains stuff that is important to me.
Take good care all
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| I went to the dentist yesterday
She tried to put some more stuff just overtop of it. But she had to find out where the pain was (which meant screaming and gagging etc)
Fish held my hand and patted it while I looked wild-eyed at him
I feel so traumatised by THIS WHOLE THING
I feel like something has died inside of me. I know that sounds so freakin stupid about going to the dentist, but........
I dunno, the last time I took some antipsychotic I got aggro, and again this time.... today I have been all over the place. Antipsychotics are the only thing left that I can take to calm me down, and if I don't have them anymore........... :( I don't really want to think about it.
I just feel kinda caved in.
It would have been alright, but I am still in more pain than before I went to the dentist. It was only occassional before the dentist. Now I cannot bite on the right side of my mouth. And I cannot drink hot or cold things. Everything has to be luke-warm.
I need a full root canal so there will be no more pain. As if I can do that now after two awful times at the dentist. I'm going to ask my GP if I can go to the hospital and have general anaesthetic and get a root canal done. Dental work is done very rarely through the NZ public health system these days but they do treat SOME people, and hopefully I will qualify because I am simply too traumatised to go back to the dentist again. Ever. I can go and be knocked out and have everything taken out and then wake up again though. I know I can do that because I had my tonsils out about 18 months ago and though I was terrified, I woke up and I was alive and everything was okay. I didn't have to 'be there' for any of it.
It's funny but after this I find out most of Fish's family have sore teeth - AFTER having fillings. What the hell?? Are the dentists giving people fillings when they should be giving them root canals?? I guess it makes them more money though, if they fill a tooth which doesn't work and then the patient has to come back and pay for a root canal as well as the filling.
I feel so upset about this whole thing
I wish so much I had never gone near the dentist. I thought I would get a filling and everything would be okay. I had no idea I would end up far worse off than before I went to the dentist.
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It's been about 3 weeks. I was told my tooth could be sensitive at first, so I just didn't really bite on it. Then after about a week I tried to bite on it a little, but it was still painful. Now it is even worse and I cannot have any food on the right side of my mouth at all.
The pain is only there when I bite.
I think it is at the back of my tooth and I hope like HECK they can just somehow put more filling stuff over the back of my tooth and that this will all be over and done with. My tooth is a hell of a lot more sore now than it was before I got the filling.
I finally gave in and called the dentist about an hour ago. I have an appointment for 5:30pm today.
I called Fish and told him he must come home from work at 5pm so he can be there with me this time. I called my mother-in-law to ask her if she can look after C while I am at the dentist ("Because I will be screaming and stuff..."). She wasn't home and I am yet to hear back from her.
I had a panic attack between talking to Fish at his work and calling my mother-in-law. C is telling me to "Just take deep breaths, Mummy."
I tell you, that girl is a God-send.
I don't know what I am going to do if she can't go with my mother-in-law though. She can't exactly hear me freaking out. And I know I will. There's no use even thinking positively about this. Usually I do. But in this case - I mean, since the filling I have a panic attack even seeing the dental surgery. So it's going to be awful. I just have to accept it.
I've tried even harder since having the filling to look after my teeth in the hope I would NEVER have to go through the filling process again. And here I am. I'll probably have to have it re-filled from what I have seen on the 'net.
I don't know what to do.
I'm embarassed to go back as well, after how I reacted last time in there. I think I traumatised the actual dentist and nurses with my flash-back and screaming and crying. They will not be happy to see me today.
The feeling is mutual :(
At least Fish will be there with me. Thank goodness. We have our fights, but he is one person who will ALWAYS be there for me when I need him. He'll hold my hand tight and I will be okay. It will be hell but I will be okay.
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It is so hard for me to learn anything. I have been trying to learn about feminism as I have developed a genuine interest in it. However I just find a whole lot of conflicting information, and this, my brain cannot cope with. I need solid answers. I need definites. This is how my brain works since it atrophied thanks to years of heavy psych medication.
So......... I am having a lot of difficulty trying to get things straight. Maybe I should give up trying to learn about feminism.
I went to a blog which is great, and I was learning stuff then I saw that they had a list of things people had typed in on search engines to get to the blog. One of them was something which I *think* I might have typed in on my quest to find an answer to whether or not a woman can wear makeup every day, shave, wear high heels etc etc and STILL be a 'feminist'.
It was taken as somebody writing that because they have an obsession with people who don't shave or something. That was not my intent. I wanted to find articles on whether or not it is deemed 'conforming' to male standards if a woman wants to shave/wear makeup blah blah and if a woman who does these things can still be a feminist.
For example, I shave my legs and under my arms for specific reasons. My legs - it helps make my skin less scaly and itchy. I have psoriasis, and shaving actually makes my skin feel BETTER - also, I love the feeling of hopping into bed on my smooth legs after shaving. This doesn't mean I shave every day or every week or even every month if I don't feel like it, or I am too mentally unwell to do it. (It's hard to even shower when I am feeling very unwell)
I shave under my arms because I get really stinky when I have hair under there. It is a fact, for me. I don't like stinking because... I just don't like it! It makes me a tad nauseous. Hence, I shave under my arms.
Yeah yeah, who really cares? I know it is not a BIG thing, but it is something I wanted to find out about nonetheless.
I did find one article that was helpful, but it ended saying that women who shave are always bending to pressure to conform - no matter what reason they might have for shaving their legs etc.
I don't know if this is true. I don't *think* it is true for me. Once my husband said I should shave my armpits and I left it about 2 more weeks or so at least partly out of spite -- how DARE he tell me what I should do with my body??
I am so confused, and a bit disheartened.
Maybe feminism is not for me. I am not able to keep up with all the arguements and I know people are not impressed with my naive questions.
Is there a 'Feminism for Dummies' book?
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| I am happy today 
Listening to:
Bathe in the River
by The Mt Raskil Preservation Society, Feat. Hollie Smith
great song to sing along with.........
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