blanketofash's Xanga

Have Moved

Tue, 30 May 2006 22:17:48 GMT

Hello,

I have moved.

I will keep this blog here. It contains stuff that is important to me.

Take good care all

Feel all broken up

Sun, 28 May 2006 10:35:32 GMT

I went to the dentist yesterday

She tried to put some more stuff just overtop of it. But she had to find out where the pain was (which meant screaming and gagging etc)

Fish held my hand and patted it while I looked wild-eyed at him

I feel so traumatised by THIS WHOLE THING

I feel like something has died inside of me. I know that sounds so freakin stupid about going to the dentist, but........

I dunno, the last time I took some antipsychotic I got aggro, and again this time.... today I have been all over the place. Antipsychotics are the only thing left that I can take to calm me down, and if I don't have them anymore........... :( I don't really want to think about it.

I just feel kinda caved in.

It would have been alright, but I am still in more pain than before I went to the dentist. It was only occassional before the dentist. Now I cannot bite on the right side of my mouth. And I cannot drink hot or cold things. Everything has to be luke-warm.

I need a full root canal so there will be no more pain. As if I can do that now after two awful times at the dentist. I'm going to ask my GP if I can go to the hospital and have general anaesthetic and get a root canal done. Dental work is done very rarely through the NZ public health system these days but they do treat SOME people, and hopefully I will qualify because I am simply too traumatised to go back to the dentist again. Ever. I can go and be knocked out and have everything taken out and then wake up again though. I know I can do that because I had my tonsils out about 18 months ago and though I was terrified, I woke up and I was alive and everything was okay. I didn't have to 'be there' for any of it.

It's funny but after this I find out most of Fish's family have sore teeth - AFTER having fillings. What the hell?? Are the dentists giving people fillings when they should be giving them root canals?? I guess it makes them more money though, if they fill a tooth which doesn't work and then the patient has to come back and pay for a root canal as well as the filling.

I feel so upset about this whole thing

I wish so much I had never gone near the dentist. I thought I would get a filling and everything would be okay. I had no idea I would end up far worse off than before I went to the dentist.

Ihavetogobacktothedentist

Sat, 27 May 2006 01:25:57 GMT

It's been about 3 weeks. I was told my tooth could be sensitive at first, so I just didn't really bite on it. Then after about a week I tried to bite on it a little, but it was still painful. Now it is even worse and I cannot have any food on the right side of my mouth at all.

The pain is only there when I bite.

I think it is at the back of my tooth and I hope like HECK they can just somehow put more filling stuff over the back of my tooth and that this will all be over and done with. My tooth is a hell of a lot more sore now than it was before I got the filling.

I finally gave in and called the dentist about an hour ago. I have an appointment for 5:30pm today.

I called Fish and told him he must come home from work at 5pm so he can be there with me this time. I called my mother-in-law to ask her if she can look after C while I am at the dentist ("Because I will be screaming and stuff..."). She wasn't home and I am yet to hear back from her.

I had a panic attack between talking to Fish at his work and calling my mother-in-law. C is telling me to "Just take deep breaths, Mummy."

I tell you, that girl is a God-send.

I don't know what I am going to do if she can't go with my mother-in-law though. She can't exactly hear me freaking out. And I know I will. There's no use even thinking positively about this. Usually I do. But in this case - I mean, since the filling I have a panic attack even seeing the dental surgery. So it's going to be awful. I just have to accept it.

I've tried even harder since having the filling to look after my teeth in the hope I would NEVER have to go through the filling process again. And here I am. I'll probably have to have it re-filled from what I have seen on the 'net.

I don't know what to do.

I'm embarassed to go back as well, after how I reacted last time in there. I think I traumatised the actual dentist and nurses with my flash-back and screaming and crying. They will not be happy to see me today.

The feeling is mutual :(

At least Fish will be there with me. Thank goodness. We have our fights, but he is one person who will ALWAYS be there for me when I need him. He'll hold my hand tight and I will be okay. It will be hell but I will be okay.

An effort to learn

Fri, 19 May 2006 23:10:30 GMT

It is so hard for me to learn anything. I have been trying to learn about feminism as I have developed a genuine interest in it. However I just find a whole lot of conflicting information, and this, my brain cannot cope with. I need solid answers. I need definites. This is how my brain works since it atrophied thanks to years of heavy psych medication.

So......... I am having a lot of difficulty trying to get things straight. Maybe I should give up trying to learn about feminism.

I went to a blog which is great, and I was learning stuff then I saw that they had a list of things people had typed in on search engines to get to the blog. One of them was something which I *think* I might have typed in on my quest to find an answer to whether or not a woman can wear makeup every day, shave, wear high heels etc etc and STILL be a 'feminist'.

It was taken as somebody writing that because they have an obsession with people who don't shave or something. That was not my intent. I wanted to find articles on whether or not it is deemed 'conforming' to male standards if a woman wants to shave/wear makeup blah blah and if a woman who does these things can still be a feminist.

For example, I shave my legs and under my arms for specific reasons. My legs - it helps make my skin less scaly and itchy. I have psoriasis, and shaving actually makes my skin feel BETTER - also, I love the feeling of hopping into bed on my smooth legs after shaving. This doesn't mean I shave every day or every week or even every month if I don't feel like it, or I am too mentally unwell to do it. (It's hard to even shower when I am feeling very unwell)

I shave under my arms because I get really stinky when I have hair under there. It is a fact, for me. I don't like stinking because... I just don't like it! It makes me a tad nauseous. Hence, I shave under my arms.

Yeah yeah, who really cares? I know it is not a BIG thing, but it is something I wanted to find out about nonetheless.

I did find one article that was helpful, but it ended saying that women who shave are always bending to pressure to conform - no matter what reason they might have for shaving their legs etc.

I don't know if this is true. I don't *think* it is true for me. Once my husband said I should shave my armpits and I left it about 2 more weeks or so at least partly out of spite -- how DARE he tell me what I should do with my body??

I am so confused, and a bit disheartened.

Maybe feminism is not for me. I am not able to keep up with all the arguements and I know people are not impressed with my naive questions.

Is there a 'Feminism for Dummies' book?

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Wed, 10 May 2006 22:50:58 GMT

I am happy today

Listening to:

Bathe in the River

by The Mt Raskil Preservation Society, Feat. Hollie Smith

great song to sing along with.........

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sun, 07 May 2006 08:20:29 GMT

:D

I jumped out of a plane at 12,000 feet!! It was about 12:30pm by the time I got in the plane. So... I must have jumped about 12:45pm.

I was really excited... excited more than scared.

Nervous, though!

I kissed Fish and C goodbye and got on the back of the truck that drove us to the plane. Looking back and waving........

Get to the plane. There, the guy who was jumping with me explained how I should position myself when I was hanging out the door of the plane. Then we hopped in. I have NEVER been in a small plane like that before. We were all packed in there like sardines!

It was such an awesome view that I just lost myself looking out the window instead of worrying about the jump. Then everybody started putting their goggles on and they were all slapping hands.... they slapped my hand too. It felt so cool. Like we were all in it together :)

Then someone opened the door which was basically the whole side of the plane. I see about 5 people just jump out into thin air. I'm thinking 'That looks nuts!!'

Then it is our turn. My 'instructor' helps me move over to the door. The woman who was videoing me was perching at the side of the door. I'm hanging out with my legs tucked back under the plane, hands grabbing onto the straps by my chest, and my head back.

Then suddenly we're plummeting DOWN. Really fast. It was so freaky! I tried to breathe and couldn't. I thought 'Oh my goodness, I am going to die now because I can't breathe!' I tried breathing through my nose but nothing went 'in'. Then I managed to take slight breaths through my mouth and I was ok from there.

I was free-falling with my stomach to the ground and my arms up and out and my legs back. The woman swooped in to take footage and I screamed and hollered (happy, exhilerated!!) and then next thing I know, I feel a big tug and the parachute had opened.

We went up a bit and then everything was so so silent and I could talk to the instructor. I felt kinda sick for a moment but then got used to it. When I got back on the ground the instructor told me I started kicking my legs, which was why he got me to put my feet on top of his. I had no idea what my legs were doing!!! I imagine when the parachute opened and we went 'upright' my legs were doing the natural thing and trying to 'find ground'. :P

Then at about 6000 feet I imagine, the harness was too high up and choking me a bit around my neck. So I had to pull UP on some straps all the way up in the air to try and adjust my harness. That helped a bit, but then the instructor actually loosened some of the straps which was a bit freaky 'cause... what if they came completely undone and I fell? BUT - I put my trust in him as he's dived so many times before, and just relaxed and enjoyed the ride.

He asked if I wanted to try swinging around in a tight circle. I said 'ok' and felt VERY dizzy after that so decided once was enough :D

Then I had to practise pulling my legs up for landing. Then we were close to the ground and I waved to Fish and C and they waved back!!!! That was SO awesome. My instructor said it might be harder to land because the wind had completely died near the ground. He said it would be ok though.

So we went in to land and we didn't have much lift - I thought we were going to skid on the ground on our bums but then I kinda went on my bum and the guy didn't and then we just tumbled over each other and landed LOL

But it was alright because it was like tumbling in air. It was so soft. So I have no problem with the way we landed it was kinda cool hehe

I can kinda understand now that there are ways of actually 'correcting' things even way up in the air if you get in trouble. I always thought you jump out of a plane - and if ANYTHING goes wrong, you are dead. But I don't think it works that way, anymore. It's so amazing. It seems like the most insane thing to jump out of a plane so high up and put all your faith in a parachute.

I think people who do that all the time are absolutely amazing, and must have a completely different way of living from all the 'normal folks'.

I am unsure if I will do that again.

I AM SO GLAD I DID IT THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I usually take a while to 'process' things... but this is so big I think it will take me a few days to really 'get' what has happened.

I jumped right into my fear of death today. And I came out of it alive.

So to that little voice that had tried for so long to make me believe I was born to be abused and then die..........................

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:D

Under 2 1/2 hours left to go

Sat, 06 May 2006 20:19:13 GMT

In under 2 1/2 hours I will be up in a plane about to jump out.

I used to think 'How could people DO that?? Especially if they have children?!?'

Now I know.

I am doing this because I love my family immensely.

My daughter deserves a mother who is strong and confident and future-focused.

I have read online how healing skydiving can be for abuse survivors. I am confronting a lot of big issues by doing this. A lot of fears. A lot of the things that keep me small.

Here we go..........

xox

I'm jumping out of a plane at 12,000 feet

Thu, 04 May 2006 20:15:05 GMT

Sunday the 7th of May, 11:30am. All going well.

I was going to do it on Mother's day (the 14th) but realised I couldn't hack the anticipation for 10 whole days!!

The mid-range weather forecast says it should be good weather this Sunday. We are quickly heading into winter, so I want to do this as soon as possible! Before the NZ weather packs in completely...

This is symbolic for me.

I WILL LIVE FREE OF FEAR

I will LET GO

I will TRUST

I will SOAR

I will not be a victim

For some time now I have said I am a Survivor - not a victim. Yet I have been living the life of a victim. I have been so fearful and diminished. I have been stuck in the past.
Once I have jumped -- I am going to leave the torment behind. I am STRONG!! If I can jump out of a plane at 12,000 feet -- I can do anything. After this, I vow to focus on my *future* instead of my past.

Rebirth.

a trip to the dentist

Wed, 03 May 2006 08:17:07 GMT

I knew it wasn't going to be easy.

I tried to be calm and not work myself up. I think I did okay with that. But when this long needle goes in my mouth and the pain.... as soon as it was finished, I just started bawling and couldn't breathe properly. So the dentist stopped. She was nice to me, even though she obviously didn't understand what was happening.

So I calm myself down and then she cleaned my teeth and that kinda hurt but I did okay. Then she started drilling. I could really feel it and I started howling so she stopped. Then I calmed myself down. Then she started again and ...... oh it is so mixed up, but she was drilling and then I started gagging, and then my whole body was convulsing and I curled up and then screaming...... sliding......

no daddy no

please don't

no

please
no daddy

please don't

something like that for..... a while

trying so hard not to let Livy come out because I don't want her to be more traumatised

but keep sliding

then I manage to tell myself where I am and the dentist is not my father.

They are being nice to me and stroking my back and telling me everything is okay and if they can just finish, then I won't have to come back to go through all this again.

Maybe this is when I had another injection I am not sure. But after a while my lip finally went numb and then I couldn't really feel the drilling and I managed to just scrunch up my eyes with all the tears in them and pretend I wasn't really there and just see it through. Grab tight onto the cow toy they gave me.

Then I get up and apologise through my sloppy mouth for what happened 'I didn't expect it...'

I expected to cry. But not to have a full-blown flash-back. I didn't expect to look like an utter mad person.

I'm sorry to the dentist. I feel like I *should* have known better and warned them or made sure someone was there with me.

My mother was in the waiting room and she PROMISED that she would stay until 3pm but when I had the flash-back and then couldn't stop crying and asked for my mother she was gone. But Oprah was still on the tv so it wasn't yet 3pm. Why wasn't she there??

When I went back out and she had returned I yelled at her. I was bawling after having composed myself enough to pay and leave the dentist office. I said WHY DIDN'T YOU STAY?????

She said she did stay. She said she left at about 3 minutes to 3pm.

But.........

Oprah was still on the tv in there.

Today was awful.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 10:37:17 GMT

The other day I ended up in the bathroom bawling my eyes out because our moody nextdoor neighbour gave me a bad 'look'.

I realised something about myself. The reason I become inconsolable whenever somebody treats me as 'less than' is because in my heart, I feel that I AM less than. Less than everybody else on this planet. Somebody else treating me as 'less than' just brings it to the forefront again, and the pain of self-hatred comes rushing back with avengeance.

And who can really blame me for hating myself? I was sexually abused by my own father and his friends since age 3. I was taught I was less than shit, and that people could treat me however they wanted without any consequences for them. I was the one that suffered, and all the 'bad guys' just keep on doing whatever they want to do until they die - never seeing one day inside a prison cell for their disgusting behaviour.

Meanwhile, I'm living inside this personal hell and struggling just to stay alive.

I don't know how to 'fix' myself of this inner loathing. It is so fundamental to who I am. It is the foundation on which *I* am based. It is stamped throughout the bedrock of my personality and spirit.

I

AM

SHIT

I

AM

WORTHLESS

I

DESERVE

ONLY

PAIN

How does one get to the core of that, and begin to dismantle it? And if I dismantle it, what on earth am I supposed to replace it with? Self-love? I have no concept of what that is.

I live on a daily basis with the idea that I must 'punish' myself for being a piece of shit and constantly in terror of someone ELSE saying it out loud to me. Someone else saying out loud what I know so fundamentally in my heart - that I am a piece of crap and deserve to die.

I try to 'forget' it. I try to treat myself 'nicely'. But it doesn't take long before I realise 'this is ME we're taking about'.... and I don't *deserve* to be treated nicely. I don't deserve anything good.

Yet I want other people to think I am 'good'. I want them to see something worthwhile in me.

But even when people say good things about me, it is like water off a duck's back. None of it gets INSIDE me, to the hurt places. It just comes in and is spewed back out again as 'incomprehensible'.

I've been thinking about killing myself. Fish says it is premenstrual stuff causing this. To be honest, I don't care one way or the other. I just want to spare my family my anger and insanity and put everyone out of MY misery.

I am hurting my daughter. I know it. That is what breaks my heart the most. She is the most beautiful, intelligent, outgoing, wise, confident little girl.

How long before I take all that from her? How long before I irreparably damage her the way I have been damaged? Will SHE grow up to have self-hate in her very foundation?

God I hope not.

I have to do something. I'm either going to die, or I'm going to sort my shit out. This can't go on the way it is.

I'm an angry, bitter person, stuck on the past. Gruesome details I remember on an hourly basis every day. I feel complete impotence. I feel like the little kid, unable to do a damn thing to stop these abusers.

They are still with me. Every single thing they did and said... it's still with me, and it has cut my soul to ribbons. A part of them inhabits me and is eating me from the inside.

Recently when I try and sleep at night I am bombarded with memories of the most humiliating and unjust events throughout my lifetime. Or times when I felt guilt. They go over and over and over and I want to scream STTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPP!!!!!

Just stop. It's not right to relive these things... trivial things by all accounts, that are over. Dead and gone. But they come back and it's like I'm back in the time and place.... feeling exactly the same things. When one is over, we're onto the next... then the next...

You know how they say when you die, your life flashes before your eyes?

Will I recall any good stuff? Any happy stuff? Or will it all be completely tainted by the darkness inside me?

I have a beautiful daughter for goodness sake. I am BLESSED. Why the hell can I not be happy and content with that????

I am missing out on life. I'm the walking dead.

My family deserves so much better than this.

And a tiny part of me knows I deserve better too.

I am trapped.

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